How To Handle Stalkers For Dummies
by Yami-kun
Summary: Ryou's been having too many stalkers! Thus, Bakura decided to "help" his aibou by writing the infamous book of "How To Handle Stalkers For Dummies"! (Inspired by Neko-Chan^_^)


A/N: Before we continue, I'd like to say that this fic was inspired by Neko-chan's "Bakura's Guide to Fighting Dirty". So...this story will be dictated to her ^_^ Now then... 

**Attention:** Due to the many outrageous fans that Ryou has - outrageous as to the point of stalking him everywhere - Bakura decided to "help" his poor lil' light. Thus, the great "How To Handle Stalkers For Dummies" book was born! 

Ryou: Bakura! I told you, I don't need your help! 

Bakura: Sure...then what about the time when a certain stalker followed you into the shower? The only thing you did was scream like a girl and do a pathetic imitation of a faint. 

Ryou: *turns beet red* We have an audience here! *mumbles* And I don't scream like a girl... 

Bakura: Respect your elders, Ryou. Now, as your yami, I command you to read this ingenious piece of work! 

Therefore, "How To Handle Stalkers For Dummies" was open... 

**Day 1: Looks are sooo deceiving**

You're walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly you notice a certain guy/girl that was "surreptitiously" following you. (Reasons are unknown, though it might be because of those hot leather pants your yami made you wear ^_^) Anyway, you continue walking, hoping to lose the stupid idiot who keeps staring at you! 

Unfortunately, your wish wasn't granted. 

But never fear, for you suddenly pass by a beauty parlor and is endowed with a brilliant idea (unknowingly, it's your yami conceiving those ideas. Er...ahem...) So you enter the parlor and slip into the bathroom, ignoring the strange looks from the beauticians. 

Naturally, the baka follows. But what he/she doesn't know is that you had grabbed a make-up case on your way. Why did do you it? Let's just say that a certain yami decided to take over for a second : D 

Anyway, fifteen minutes later, when the stalker is probably rotting away from boredom (serves those pathetic mortals right!), you come out of the stall and walk briskly towards the door. Surprisingly, he/she only stares at you as if you've grown a third leg and doesn't bother to give chase. 

You leave the beauty parlor wondering why you're wearing eye shadow, lipstick, and face powder. Or the fact that people were asking if you needed glasses. 

*blinks innocently* What? 

**Day 2: Cause and Effect**

Ok, this may sound like something you've heard in your evil Science or History class, but it holds vague similarities. 

You're driving a new BMW that appeared to be _so_ much like the one reported missing last might (You have a sneaking suspicion that your yami had something to do with it, but _that's_ beside the point). As always, the infatuated idiot is following you in his souped-up Mustang just a few cars behind. Now, due to the large amount of traffic, you can't possibly just try to lose him. So here's what you do: 

It's a green light. You slam your foot down on the accelerator, oblivious to the annoying blaring from twenty other drivers. (Shut up, you bastards! Can't you see we're planning an escape right now?! Eesh…) Your stalker, of course, attempts to pursue you. But his driving is nothing compared to yours, and thus he only managed to collide into the car in front. 

This creates a chain reaction: The first car is forced into the second car, which is rammed into a third car, and since the driver of the third car panicked and stepped on the accelerator just as the light turned red, collided head-on into an intersecting gas truck. Er...we can all guess what happened next. 

So, as the entire street is ablaze, you come out unscathed (well, you _did_ get pass the green light, unlike some stupid, lovesick people...) and drives away. 

P.S. If you miss having a stalker...don't worry, there's plenty more in the world ^___^ 

**Day 3: Deadly Beauty**

Exactly what the title says. Once again, you're strolling down the street. Being the brilliant-minded person that you are, you have already anticipated your stalker's arrival and was ready. This would explain why the following happened: 

1)Knowing that he/she is watching you, you purposefully walk while shaking that hot, leather-clad ass of yours. 

2)Your stalker drools and gives chase like some mindless drone. 

3)Glancing back, you give your most coy yet sexy smile and bat your lashes 

4)Your stalker's drooling all over him/her-self by now (resulting in dampness...yuck!), and because he/she is so occupied at the moment, they didn't notice that they're walking right into a broken power pole. 

5)You laugh as your stalker is electrocuted to death or at least a near-death state. 

End of the story. Easy, ne? 

**Day 4: Using your yami**

No duh. Seriously, I mean, if you have a yami...THEN BY ALL MEANS USE HIM!!! While the stalker is idiotically trailing behind you, you unexpectedly stop and turn around. He/she flushes and is about to say hi when something stops them. You seem darker...more malicious... 

Cackling evilly with your hair becoming suddenly spiked, you point and use your death-glare (for inspiration, think of me or Marik...actually, just think of me...). Then, slowly advance towards them with an insane look spreading across your eyes, murmuring any of the three statements: 

1)Let's play a little game... 

2)Mind Crush! 

3)Tell me...have you ever heard of the Shadow Realm...? 

* Pointer: As you cackle, you must remember to vary your laughter for the best result; start off with a low giggle, increasing your volume as you go, ending with a high-pitched maniacal tone. Trust me, you foolish mortal, or else I shall hunt you down and gut you like a fish for corrupting this wonderful, hellish action! 

**Day 5: Baseball was never this fun...**

Imagine this: You're going to baseball practice, though you're scared to death because you've conveniently forgotten to practice that new batting technique your coach taught you. (Of course, this wouldn't be _my_ aibou because my aibou's perfect…RIGHT?!) Anyhow, your stalker comes along wearing a crappy baseball uniform he made himself, hoping to blend in. (Ha! What an idiot…) 

You spot him immediately and slip into a dark alley. Just when the baka turns into the passageway, you whack him on the head. Hard. If this doesn't render him unconscious, then needless to say, hit him again! Only this time, put a bit more force into it (and if _that_ doesn't work, then I highly suggest that you work out 0.o). 

Thus, you leave the alley and an unconscious, bloody mortal behind. Oh well. At least you got to practice that batting technique : D 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

*nervous laughter* Uh...how was it? Gomen nasai if it's too short, but I'm trying to keep it at 5-lesson intervals for each chapter. Hope everyone enjoyed it! And remember, just push the lil' button below to R&R! ^_^ 

P.S. I've uploaded the second chapter of "Meteor Garden", though FF.net wouldn't show it as an update. *crys* So if anyone wants to read it (the fic is YY/S...Yami and Seto being partnered up for "Family Life"...^_^) then just click on my name at the top or go to: 

Arigatou! 


End file.
